I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out He didn’t work that way—so I stole a bike and prayed for His forgiveness.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay. So if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.
It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
Life’s a bitch; if it were easy it’d be a slut.
Death is life’s way of telling you that you’ve been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
I have a busy day ahead: I have trouble to start, rumors to spread, and people to argue with.
I once stood in the back and said, “Everyone attack!” but it didn’t turn into a Ballroom Blitz.
Freedom means the right to yell, “THEATRE!” in a crowded fire.
I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said,
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Finding a job in this economy is like playing Where’s Waldo?—except that Waldo is looking for a job, too.
Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and didn’t want my arms to get cold reaching for the remote.
I feel like getting something done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes…
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.
Tip of the week: When going through airport customs and the TSA agent asks, “Do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply, “What do you need?”
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort.
I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
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People say that laughter is the best medicine…my face must be curing the world!
I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold and eaten.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
I went to the book store earlier to buy the book Where’s Waldo. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played, Waldo, well played.
It recently became apparent to me that the letters “T” and “G” are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase
I have an oven with a “stop time” button. It’s probably meant to be “stop timer,” but I don’t touch it, just in case.
The fact that I woke up this morning means that the assassins have failed again.
I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.
I used to be good at sports. Then I realized that I could buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I was pretty sure people were following me.
“Dammit I’m mad” is spelled the same way backwards. Think about it.
Who decided that paper beats rock? Let’s test this theory. Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of his or her face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?
There are more than two kinds of people in this world. Don’t believe the bumper stickers.
The angle of the dangle is adversely proportional to the heat of the beat.
It takes two to lie… One to lie and one to listen.
Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Shut up, will you? Oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!!
Why don’t they have Spring Day. We could decorate with flowers and plants. That would be nicer than red and pink hearts around fat naked babies.
just one MORE beer, is ALL i say. just one MORE beer, along the way. just one MORE beer, again TOO often. just one MORE beer, maybe you fade softly?
Humour I think the two most ironic things are Dying in a Living room and choking on a Lifesaver!
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
I don’t believe in plastic surgery,
But in your case,
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
Violence won’t solve anything…But it sure makes me feel good.
Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog!OK now read without the word dog.
Most stoners seem like they’re not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
I’m always late because I never put my keys in the same spot. Like, ever.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It’s f*cking delicious.
Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes – unless he wears those weird toe-shoe things. You may judge that man immediately.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Have you ever known someone so sh*tty that they completely ruin that first name for you?
I always win arguments with people on the internet because I do this super cool thing where I stop typing and log off.
Starting a Beer Removal Service. If you have too much, give me a call and I’ll be right there.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Can’t afford to get my brakes fixed, so I made my horn louder instead.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Your girl using your phone is like a cop trailing you. Even if you’re innocent, you still feel like you got a kilo of blow in the trunk.